Most authentic relationships are developed over time, they are tested and can withstand challenges-the therapy relationship is no different. Many of us struggle to bring out our authentic selves in counselling sessions for fear of being judged or unheard. But by opening up to your therapists, you can allow yourself to experience an expansive range of emotions while feeling safe and supported.
Many of us often come to therapy with defences that have served us for a long time which can make it difficult to trust others easily, and we can then pass this on to our therapist. These defences may arise from past relationships, experiences from our early years or other disappointments we may have experienced in our lives and can therefore make it challenging to freely engage with our therapists.
By gradually opening up to your therapist, a deeper relationship can be formed, thus allowing you to bring a wider range of issues that reflect the complexity and depth of your life and experiences, from; racial trauma, sexual relationships,addiction, fantasies, dreams, goals as well as the mundane thoughts you may have.
So, what’s the best way to open up?
Creating an authentic relationship with your counsellor and opening up will be different for everyone; some people take it slowly and others dive right in there, opening up from the very first session. It is best to work out what feels comfortable for you and speak about the process and any challenges you may have with your therapist. Remember, there is no right or wrong way, just do what feels comfortable for you, and take your time.
Opening up to your therapist allows you to experience a full range of emotions that can allow your therapy sessions to feel expansive, engaging, possibly fun, safe and supportive. All of these emotions create the foundation between you and your therapist to navigate any potential ups and downs, and to work towards repairing any tensions that can arise during counselling sessions.
Tensions may arise for several reasons, for example; your therapist’s interpretation or observation of your experience may not feel right for you, or the language or phrase they use may not fit. When this happens, try to communicate your discomfort or whatever feelings you experience to your therapist, as difficult as it may be, it’s important to work towards bringing your whole self to therapy. All of your feelings are welcome and can be discussed with your therapist who is there to listen to you. If you feel you are not getting what you want out of therapy, try not to be discouraged, and remember after discussing it with your therapist, you are free to find another counsellor.
Some of us may feel reluctant or anxious about speaking up. We may feel embarrassed about bringing up certain topics to our therapist, but these are all-natural feelings that we experience from time to time. Rather than suppressing our feelings, it is helpful to name them, either in the moment or after they have passed, so that we can honour any feelings we have, and explore any other associations we may have with a particular emotion.
Others may feel that their therapist is judging them, however, your therapist sees the whole of you and doesn’t judge you from a negative place, but from a place of wanting to help, they do not allow themselves to attach meaning to judgements even if a judgement enters their heads. Therapy is about allowing you the space to be you and to feel safe in non-judgemental space. Your therapist supports you by being empathic and understanding how hard it can be to seek and begin therapy and most importantly, listens to you.
Remember, the therapeutic space is safe and confidential. This safety is created by you and your therapist. Your therapist’s part in this is to be consistent, and reliable, and to create boundaries around the sessions by turning up every week and at the same location. This allows you to trust that these things are in place and hopefully this takes some of the worries away from you. Your part is to speak up if you do not feel safe, heard, seen, judged or anything that does not feel right to you.
These are some of the areas that lead to a safe space where you can feel comfortable in which you can grow. Everything you can glean from therapy is useful information to take forth into the world and to support you in becoming an authentic version of yourself and to support your mental wellbeing
Bankole Jaiyeoba is a black male therapist and counsellor based in London. He specialises in addiction and anxiety and has experience helping those looking for a Black therapist with lived experience and those who identify as Black British and of African heritage.